It’s November Fucking First!

Maybe this election cycle has made me full of hate, maybe I just had a bad day, maybe it’s because I’m getting older and I’m falling victim to the fallacy that the world is becoming a worse place as I get older, or maybe it’s because the world is full of horrible people who are so wrapped up in materialistic bullshit they can’t wait for any excuse to shove it down the throat of everyone around them, but I am so pissed off today that I feel the need to vent my rage out my fingers. Be warned, the following is batshit crazy, may or may not make sense, and will have copious amounts of naughty words.

When I logged into Facebook this morning before work, the first thing I saw was a new banner photo for a coffee chain, it had the word “rejoice” surrounded by snowflakes and mistletoe. That might seem harmless, coffee places have seasonal drinks and rely on seasonal marketing, but it’s actually a problem that embodies the absolute worst things about American society. I usually just ignore these things that piss me off so, but it being the first thing I saw on the internet on November 1st was just too jarring, so I commented that they should perhaps put off their rejoicing until we’ve had a chance to be thankful. The responses when I logged back into Facebook at lunchtime were horrible, a bunch of people getting mad at me for saying we shouldn’t rejoice or be thankful year-round, people getting offended because they think I’m offended. It was even worse when I checked again after work. I unliked the page (and now that there is a Dutch Bros in Prescott Valley, my personal boycott will actually mean something) because you’re goddamn right I’m fucking offended! It’s the first of November, there are 55 days until Christmas, there are 2 other holidays they could be marketing for before Christmas and I am sick and tired of the month of November being completely erased by Christmas bullshit. I unliked a few other pages and unfollowed a few friends who posted similar things.

I used to hate Christmas. Even when I was a kid I didn’t like it all that much, I vastly preferred Halloween. But in the past few years, since I have lived far enough away from family that I don’t feel obligated to celebrate it, and since I’ve stopped working retail and no longer have to be subjected the constant asinine music (whoever decided to record barking dogs or fucking chipmunks singing and decided it was suitable for human ears deserves to have an entire bag of those god-awful, cinnamon pinecones shoved up his asshole and then set on fire), and the human garbage who shred every last ounce of their humanity before walking into a store and indulging in the absolute worst aspects of material consumerism while expecting praise for deigning to grace you with their vile presence, I have tried really, really hard to not hate Christmas any more. But that is insanely fucking difficult when an entire month of the year, a month that is supposed to be dedicated to wonderful things like hearty food, crisp weather, crunchy leaves, and being thankful for what you have, is taken over by rampant commercialization and religious nutjobs.

If Christmas was on the first of December, mere days after Thanksgiving, I could perhaps get behind this bullshit starting the day after Halloween. But it’s not, it is at the end of December, because way back when, before Christians took on the convert-or-be-beheaded tactics, they used the Roman tactics of converting pagans to their religion by absorbing aspects of it and inserting Christian aspects into their ceremonies and holidays. That means that mid-winter solstice ceremonies became about Jesus, yada yada yada, a millennium or two later people commit assault to get a toy that is $10 cheaper the day after they supposedly remember how grateful they are for what they have. But the point is, Christmas is at the end of December, that means you have an entire fucking month for the music and the mistletoe, and the wrapping paper, and the Jesus crap, and the piles upon piles of things.  YOU HAVE AN ENTIRE FUCKING MONTH, STOP TRYING TO TAKE OVER THE OTHER MONTHS!

It started with Black Friday (an event I even indulged in one time, once and never again), an idea cooked up by retailers to attract business and make the Christmas sale season as long as possible. Then, as is human nature, they got greedy, and Black Friday started earlier and earlier until it wasn’t Black Friday anymore, it was midnight on Thanksgiving. That lasted for a year or two, then they decided, fuck it, they already took over Thanksgiving, why not just kill the whole day and start the sales on Thursday. And from there it became a calculated homicide of the holiday of Thanksgiving, which has little purchasing power beyond food.

Thanksgiving is an American holiday older even than America itself, that has lasted the test of time (so far anyway) and uniquely represents what America is all about, overindulgence, native foods, ornate displays of extravagance, and coming together as a family to remember what you have and be grateful for it (despite the resentment and belligerence sitting right under the surface). And the only reason Christmas is killing it is sleazy, vulgar greed.

I can see the appeal of Christmas, like I mentioned before, I’ve been trying really hard to do so. As I’ve gotten older I’ve lost some of my hatred of cold weather (some of that probably has to do with being acclimated in 3 western New York winters), so the idea of a nostalgic, white Christmas is kind of nice now. I really hate stuff, but I enjoy shopping for others, so I can see how it would be nice to buy things for the people you love. If you’re into the religious whatnots, it might be nice to have everyday society participating in one of your rituals, particularly if you have a persecution complex from watching too much Fox News.

Speaking of Fox News, the “War on Christmas” was started by Rush Limbaugh or Bill O’Riley or some other constipated, rich, white blowhard debasing themselves to the sludge of society for ratings, claiming that anyone who is inclusive of other cultures, or hell even other holidays like Thanksgiving and New Years (calculated homicide again) by using the phrase, “Happy Holidays” or even the perennial favorite American classic “Seasons Greetings” instead of saying “Merry Christmas” were a threat to the white, Christian, middle-class, privileged way of life (while talking out the other side of their mouths about PC culture and language doing the same thing, but that’s another rant for another time).

But right here, right now, I am declaring WAR ON CHRISTMAS. From now until November 25th, balls out, all in, full on fucking war. There will be no decorations on my house, no Christmas music playing in my car, house, or from my computer at work (Bad Religion does some decent Christmas music, I don’t hate it all), there will be no posts on social media, and if others post them I will unfollow, unfriend, and/or mercilessly mock. I will not eat the Christmas cookies or candies. I will boycott the businesses I can (can’t escape all of it, but I already do any shopping I can at Target because they don’t play music). I’m not going to be an ass in person, that’s why it’s all coming out here, but the majority of the people I keep in contact with are over social media (I move a lot).

Once Black Friday comes, go for it. Go all out, become the most annoying, carol-singing, light-up-sweater-wearing, snowman-cookie-baking, jingle-beller there is, you’ll hear nothing about it from me. But until then, cook a damn turkey, bitch about your sister-in-law, watch the game, and fall asleep in a chair with your pants unbuttoned, the fabric of what is good and decent about this country depends on it.

 

P.S. Congratulations if you made it this far, welcome to the twisted inner workings of my brain, sorry it’s so scary. While I’m at it, your baby isn’t that cute, all your political opinions are wrong, and no one gives a fuck about your zodiac.

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